You’ve met the golden one, the mate you reckon could be forever. And how wonderful, he’s into commitment, eager to build a loving life together. But then you hit a snag or fall off a cliff. Days or months into your courtship he tells you he doesn’t want kids – now or later – while you’re thirsting for motherhood. It’s the one thing he’s adamant about, capisce? 

It’s a conundrum that is common, mostly, I would posit, with the woman wanting and the man not interested, although I personally know of a handful of cases where it’s the other way around. Whichever partner confronts this reality there appear to be three obvious paths forward: 1) You who yearn for parenthood opt to stay in the relationship, on a wing and a prayer that with time, the other will change their mind; 2) You choose your great-in-every-other-way mate over parenthood with no illusions of mind-changing, resigned to your child-less status (though realising that you may be in mourning forever). 3) You walk away from love in the hopes of meeting someone who does want kids. 

Actually there’s a fourth (unadvised) option if you’re a woman and really desperate. You secretly stop taking your contraceptive (if you’re the one wielding control over it) in the hopes of falling pregnant, and if it happens, you claim it was an accident and resolve to go the whole mile, come what may.

All these choices share a commonality: they are painful.  

If you’re like Rai, the (broody) protagonist in X in Provence, you will take a gamble. You will convince yourself that because your mate loves you and wants your happiness, he will come around. A volte face is possible. But it’s an iffy proposition, not to be counted on. Is there a deadline? Will you decide to leave next month, next year, in five years if he doesn’t bend on the issue of babies? Or, as the years pass and life without him seems undesirable if not impossible, will you finally fall into acquiescence, waving goodbye to your dreams of motherhood? 

Hell is when you acquiesce but deep down in your gut you are not in a place of acceptance but stewing in silent resentment and anger. I know women who understood that the maternity they wished for was never on the cards because doggedly and determinedly he didn’t sign up for it from day one and they chose to stay. In some cases their partners already had children from a previous relationship and wanted no more. Outwardly these women appear solid but inwardly? They suffer, and at various times have fallen into deep-rooted depression. Some have battled disease.

Walking away from a cherished lover to find a cherished other who wants a family looks like the healthiest option in the circumstances. You know what you want, you go after it, you will not compromise on something so crucial.  Of course this is also a gamble. There are no guarantees that you’ll meet a darling who wants to be a dad (let’s face it, the older you are, the slimmer the odds). That’s the game of life. But it’s hard to argue that you were wrong to seek out your dreams.  And if luck isn’t with you, there is always the possibility of parenting solo.